Dating and Dads
Fatherlessness is killing the very soul of our nation; for it is destroying our homes. Beyond this, fatherlessness (defined as the physical absence of a Dad in a home/family, or the functional absence of a Dad in a home/ family) is setting the next generation of homes up for failure. It exists as a generational curse if ever there was one.
Rather than rehearse the well-known stats of this growing epidemic in America (for example, see the tremendous body of research done by the Institute for American Values), my aim here is to ask a simple question or two:
- What role does the Bible envision fathers playing in dating/courtship?
- How can we reclaim this vital role in our families today?
At first glance, one may presume the Bible does not have direct commands for Dads in the matter of their children's courtships. Upon deeper reflection, God's viewpoint emerges from several texts.
For starters, consider the account of Laban and Jacob (Genesis 29). Note how Jacob goes about gaining the courtship of Rachel. He goes through her father Laban. And even after the weasel Laban bamboozles Jacob, giving him Leah instead of Rachel and excising yet another seven years of labor out of him, Jacob still honors the process of submitting to Laban's role as Rachel's Dad. In other words, Jacob is not willing to by-pass Laban to get Rachel, even if Laban is a scoundrel.
In Judges 15:1-2, we see that even the pig-headed Sampson refuses to violate the decision of a Dad in the matter of access to his daughter. And, amazingly, this is true even after the daughter has "married" Sampson! Granted, Sampson exacts revenge, but not on the father or daughter (their own village does that task).
It appears something more than just a cultural norm is at work here in the Old Testament. One is inclined to think that if even less than stellar men (Jacob and Sampson) honor the father's critical role in courtship, that a law or moral code is at work somewhere.
Enter Deuteronomy 22:13-29. In this passage, case law is laid down by Moses, expounding upon the 7th commandment involving adultery or extra-marital sex. While we would not advocate today the punishments (stoning) for pre-marital or extra-marital sex set out in this text, we can and should seek out those timeless truths that transcend all cultures. I see at least three timeless truths from this passage:
- God takes sexual purity very seriously, yeah deadly seriously for His people. Again, I do not endorse stoning in these cases, but that is only because Jesus, the Law Fulfiller, showed us the true intent of the Law - to expose our sinful hearts and need of a Savior. Jesus condemned us all as adulterers of the heart (Matt 5:27-28). James calls us all spiritual adulterers (4:4). That is, we have all "played the whore in our father's house" (Deut 22:21). We need Jesus. But friends, the NT does not let us off the hook in the matter of sexual sin (1 Cor 6). God is serious about purity in His people. Are we serious about it in our own hearts and homes?
- God created men to protect and defend the purity and dignity of women. Space forbids an in-depth analysis here, but suffice it to say a close study of these case laws reveals what God intended. The laws were designed to protect the woman's purity, dignity, and her family's reputation. Easy divorce was out of the question! Frivilous accusations by husbands were all but ruled out. A young man, for example, convicted of pre-marital sex, was required to marry the girl (unless the Dad disapproved, per Ex 22:16-17), and pay a hefty fine, and was never allowed to divorce her, period! Now that would discourage pre-marital sex! This is why the OT does not have rampant examples of these case laws actually ever having to be used. The laws worked! Men embraced their roles to protect and defend women.
- The role of the Dad in guarding his daughter's purity is pivotal. Notice the intimate relationship and partnership that was expected to exist between daughter and Dad. The daughter had to humble herself and present her wedding night bedsheet to her Dad for safekeeping, to prove she had indeed honored God and honored her Dad in the matter of her sexual purity. One imagines the joy the Dad and daughter experienced as they took part in this sacred ritual, rejoicing in how they had by God's good graces partnered together to present that young lady pure to her husband. When the daughter handed Dad those sheets, she was in essence saying, "I love the Lord, and I love you, Daddy. We did it God's way! To God be the glory!" God designed Daddies to protect their daughters' purity at all costs.
Clear enough, I think. But how do we reclaim the role of Dads in courtship? To be sure, it will require much of us, especially for those dads who do not have regular access to their children. It will require Dads to raise their daughters with the expectation that Dad is the front-line defense and evaluator of potential suitors. It will require us to earn our daughters' trust in this matter, so that if we disapprove, the matter goes no further. It will require Dads (and moms) to then partner with daughters in the ongoing evaluation of potential mates, allowing a relationship to build slowly and purely - God's way - under watchful parental supervision.
And it will require Dads to raise sons to be the kind of young men who will approach and develop a relationship with the Dad long before they ever even try it with the daughter. No more by-passing Dad. No more stealing the girl's heart first, then bringing Dad into the picture only when it is time to "ask for his daughter's hand." Voddie Baucham calls this backing Dad into a corner, all but ensuring he has to say "yes" since the girl already has given herself to the man regardless of Dad or in total disregard to Dad's rightful role and place.
God's way requires a radical swimming upstream in this ruined culture, a radical rejection of cultural dating. It requires taking God at His Word. It requires grace to be holy, for our God is holy (Lev 19:2). God help us pursue the better way. For His sake, and for our children's children. Help us restore Dads and Moms to their rightful places in courtship.
Next post: A Better Way
by Keith McWhorter