Yesterday at church ( I love my church), i found myself wishing to be anywhere but there. I felt like I needed to find a corner that was dark and get in until all those precious people who I love so much were gone. I have found myself feeling that way at home..at church..pretty much everywhere. I need to hide. So I asked myself yesterday..Lori what are you hiding from and the sad sickening answer was sin...my sin. I have felt such conviction in the last few weeks over several areas of my life and I have refused to bend my knee to Jesus and repent. His has caused me to need to be in quiet safe places that lack accountability...that is not my home or my church. Thank God he has hemmed me in on all sides and will not let me go. I am so grateful for his mad love for me and his refusal to let me stay in sin. But this does not keep me from being afraid of being found out or afraid of not being loved once people really know me. The weight of my sin is huge but the weight of fear of being revealed is just as huge. When my sin becomes heavier than my fear....I can either give in and give up or plead GOD forgive me. I am pleading forgiveness and freedom. I repent of manipulating truth so that Cliff would look guiltier than he is and of not responsibly spending our money. I repent of being short and angry with my family because things are not the way I want them. I am thankful for grace that has forgiven me and set me free. You may think less of me but my weight cannot be lifted by you so my only concern is my King who died for me. I pray that you find the same freedom to cry out to Jesus when everything in you wants to run and hide...wants you to go for cover...wants to drop out of sight until things settle down....praying you stay true to the Savior who has already set you free from the weight of your sin. I am thankful to him for his unconditional love...to my family for their grace with me and to me...and to my God family who I pray continues to love and pray for me. In Christ...your weightless sister

This week a couple of things have reminded me that waiting is truly against our sinful nature, but absolutely necessary in the big plan of salvation and sanctification. The Bible refers to waiting in several different places.

Buzz was a good cat, if there really is such a thing.

Our digitally over-stimulated society has led to many benefits, but also many curses. Among the curses, I believe, is the ability of nearly anyone and everyone to publicly "respond" to newsworthy (or not so newsworthy) matters. And apparently we all, myself included, simply cannot not respond. Bad English, but you get the point! We just cannot help ourselves. We feel compelled to make sure everyone knows how we feel or what we think when a deranged young adult guns down children, for example.

I have been thinking today about the same thing you all have..this tragedy in Connecticut. It is really an atrocity..a massacre...a crime beyond belief. No matter how you describe it, you will end up at the same emotional place...to horrified for words. I have been thinking about all the people involved in that arena today. The mommas and daddies...the brothers and sisters...the grandmas and grandpas...the teachers and staff left behind....the wives and husbands and children left behind; and the grief counselors attending there onsite. As I began to hear about these grief counselors I found myself thanking God that I don't live there and do not have to attend to those massive, open bleeding hearts. I tried to think of words that I could say that would comfort and speak truth and life into the dead, lifeless hole that so many of the hearts there have become. I could think of none. I certainly cannot say I understand; I feel your pain; I know what you feel like. I do not know any of those things and I pray I never understand that kind of pain. I certainly could not discourse on how tomorrow will be brighter and how time heals all wounds because for them tomorrow will not come for their precious loved ones and time has been stopped in one horrible moment. I could not offer wisdom because I have none to offer in this particular situation. What in the world could one say? What in the world could one even pray? I found my answer where I always find my answers..in my precious Bible. It is truly sufficient for every pain; it can answer every question; and it can fill every need. I am praying tonight the precious Word of God for Connecticut and its people and for our country in general.

Complete the following sentence:

I am sad to say that I wasted two years of my life pursing a degree in secular psychology. STUPID...There is no other word to describe the waste of time and money that pursuit was. I have decided to share some of my "knowledge" with you all and then you can decide what the real truth is. Here goes::

As I type this, I am sitting at a desk in my brother's home in Richmond, KY. The window beside me reveals the rolling bluegrass countryside and several horses are feeding nearby. A light drizzle is falling from the sky. A warm cup of coffee spews its steamy aroma towards my nose. I have a belly full of food from yesterday, as well as my bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats this morning. I do not hear any bombs going off, no small arms fire, no artillery,no warplanes overhead. My wife and children are safe and sound enjoying cousins and sisters and nephews and nieces. Later today we will all link up to eat lunch with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and their children.

On Friday night I had the great pleasure and privilege of attending a play at LHCC. I was able to see the Crone kids and Julia Griffin shine on stage in amazing ways and I loved every minute of it...I was as proud as a peacock of them all. :))) The play was about the Velveteen Rabbit and his desire to be real...what was the only thing that could work to make him real....sacrificially loving his owner. At the end of the play, I heard a beautiful voice flowing over the audience from the back singing, "Love, Love, Love,". I could not believe that voice was coming from Miss Julia Griffin...i wanted to stand up and say, "That is my niece." I was so proud of her. She continued to stage where she finished her song and explained to the rabbit that he was real because he had truly loved another. She then waved her wand and the rabbit grew legs and feet and was real...all because of love. During Pastor Keith's sermon this past Sunday, I found myself thinking of her little song (which she wrote herself) and wondering if we really understand love the way Jesus lived it and taught it and expects us too. I wondered that about myself and have been in prayer since I left service Sunday. I heard Pastor Keith say that we need to smash our own self Kingdoms and care about others' lives during the week. This caused me to see things about myself that I was sad about. I started with thinking about how I love my family...so many times when I could be with my husband...I find myself on my cell phone or my computer. Many times even if sitting with him, i am a thousand miles away in my thoughts and not loving him at all. I thought about my girls and my new son. How many times have I wished and cried for "me time" and allowed the wonder of being a momma go far away from me. How many times have i had opportunity to serve my girls and griped from the inside out because my life was so boring and mundane. And then I thought of my church family...do I smash my little kingdoms each week and reach outside of myself to serve them? Can I honestly say that I do that with joy and expectation of blessing? Do I hurt when they hurt and laugh when they laugh? Do I even know when they hurt? Are the only sorrows and tribulations and hardships that I know of connected to my little kingdom---my life, my family, my bills?? Do I rush at the opportunity to clean bathrooms for those who are in need or is there more important ministry for a person like me? Do I care if the shut-ins ever get visited or do I expect those lesser than me to do that duty? And then I thought of the world outside of that? How many times a week do I offer Jesus to a world that is dying or do I just think somebody else can deal with that mess? Do I look for hungry people with intent to help or accuse them or misspending food stamp money and consider them less than worthy of help? Do I care that single mommas are exhausted and tired and need help or do I just figure they made their bed and they can sleep in it? You can imagine that these questions have caused me some pain in myself. I am wrestling with them and wrestling with some of the answers. I have found that in many areas, I have no conviction. I can answer resounding yeses to them...in other areas, I am sadly, brokenly lacking. But Romans 8 offers me hope;; "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He saved me and his grace changes me. This message has caused me to think about my love for others...it has caused me sorrow and pain but it has worked to sanctify me and to say to me that it IS love that makes me real. It is love that marks me as a Christian...it is love that says to the world I am a disciple of Jesus. It is love that moves outside of me and my little kingdoms and reaches to a sad, broken, lonely world around me. I am praying for God to change me and to create in me his heart for people...his heart for others...to MAKE ME REAL IN THE AREA OF LOVE TO OTHERS. Praise God for change that is driven by grace and love from a very real, very personal Savior. Dear Jesus, I yearn to be real.