The Kiss of Death
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine" (Song of Songs 1:2).
"Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue" (Song of Songs 4:11).
To kiss or not to kiss, that is the question. Or, more properly, to kiss while "dating" or not to kiss, now that is the question; for it can hardly be denied that the Bible extols the romantic kiss of a husband and bride, as the quotes from Solomon's Song above aptly illustrate.
I still vividly remember my first encounter with a young woman who was not shy about telling others she had no intention of even kissing a man prior to her wedding day. I was in a Communications class with her at Vanderbilt University. She shared with the whole class during one of our group discussions on intimate human relations that she was saving herself wholly for her husband. Though I was a Christian at the time, I had never even thought of such a thing in my walk with Christ. Most of the class picked some light fun at her (though they were actually very respectful of her, all things considered). But although I found the idea of not even kissing before marriage a bit weird, deep inside I longed for more of the radical commitment to Christ possessed by this young lady.
The issue of kissing romantically before marriage is a sticky one, I grant. The Bible does not have a specific prohibition in the matter, to my knowledge. So, I cannot quote a "Thou shalt not kiss before marriage" verse. But, often when trying to think God's thoughts after Him we are called upon to take in the whole sweep of Scripture. The Bible's view of human sexuality, in other words, is comprehensive and crystal clear. God's design for sexual intimacy is that it be expressed solely between one man and one woman within the confines of marriage. Jesus strongly affirmed the one-man-one-woman-for-life marriage formula in Matthew 19:1-9.
But is kissing really a sexually intimate act? Should we God-fearing parents be warning and discouraing our teens (and younger children) to avoid romantic kissing prior to marriage?
I believe both science and the Bible answer "yes" to these two questions.
In the October 2010 issue of the AFA Journal, Ed Vitagliano reports on some new research demonstrating the strong and fascinating chemical reactions in our brains to intimate activity. Let me very briefly try to boil down the findings:
- Dopamine (a chemical in the brain that makes us feel good or excited) is released during even very simple romantic actions, such as tender glances, hand-holding, long hugs, etc. Dopamine is an internal reward mechanism designed by God to make us want to repeat the action or to get more of it. Dopamine makes an activity addictive.
- Oxytocin floods a woman's brain during labor, birth and breastfeeding and is designed to create a strong bonding reaction between the woman and the baby. This chemical is also released, however, during intimate touching, causing the woman to bond with the man touching her, and making her want more. Again it is addictive.
- The counterpart to oxytocin in the man is vasopressin. It causes him to feel a bond to a woman and to keep coming back for more.
At the very least, one can see the grave dangers of pre-marital or extra-marital sex. Even science is now showing us how the Creator designed us as sexual beings with strong emotional and physical attachments to those we love and are intimate with. The above findings demonstrate why casual sex or even one sexual encounter gone sour can leave devastating internal scars. Our sexed up society is making a wreck of the designed chemical processes in our brains, and it is leaving its scar tissue on our very hearts and souls.
What should be obvious from these findings, too, is just how much romantic kissing is designed by God to "make us want more." If a simple touch of the hand illicits these addictive chemical responses in us, how much more a long, passionate kiss? Non-existent is the young man or woman who can routinely kiss a partner without an overwhelming desire to go just a little bit further each time. Science now confirms what I believe God has been telling us all along.
As far as I can tell, the only place in the Bible where the subject of intimate kissing is explored is the Song of Songs. This Book is written to extol the virtues of marital sex and intimacy. Period. In case that point is not clear, three times in the short Book, we read this phrase:
"I adjure you . . . do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (2:7; 3:5; 8:4).
In Chapter 8 of the Song, we also see the bride saying to her husband, "If I found you outside, I would kiss you and none would despise me." The implication is clear enough, isn't it? Public kissing between non-married people was "despised."
Oh, Christian parents, rise up and reclaim God's holy viewpoint on these matters! God's perspective on young people acting like they're married when they are not is quite clear (Deut 22:28-29; 1 Cor 5:9-12). Purity God's way is all-encompassing, before, during, and yes even after death or divorce parts a marriage.
God help us raise our sons and daughters to embrace Your ideals and to whole-heartedly reject our culture's wrecked and warped way of dating and relating. For the glory of Your name, give parents and children and teens great grace to reflect Your holiness to a lost and dying world. Help us all not give place to the devil. Help dads and moms have the spiritual spine to protect their children from romantic blunders at all costs. Give us strength in this crooked and perverse generation to rise up and "kiss the Son" (Psalm 2:12). In the sweet name of Jesus, amen.
*For more information, see Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush. Also The Harmful Effects of Early Sexual Activity and Multiple Sexual Partners Among Women by Robert E. Rector.
by Keith McWhorter